Unfaithful

[Kamish]

Story of my life,
Searching for the right,
But it keeps avoiding me,
Sorrow in my soul,
'Cause it seems like wrong,
Really loves my company.

He’s more than a man,
And this is more than love,
The reason that the sky is blue,
The clouds are rollin' in,
Because I'm gone again,
And to him I just can’t be true.

Dinner in the Sanctuary was chaotic, but a form of organised chaos that had become almost routine. At one stage, the plan and general occurrence was that the Pack ate in one room – however, with so many Theri now inhabiting the house, there wasn’t a room big enough to handle them and Bastet was firm in her belief that the resultant chaos of attempting it would be too chaotic.

And so, the Pack divided into groups – though the groups were not organised by anyone, they tended to be similar at each dinnertime – of around eight or so. Said groups then found a room – preferably not a bedroom – and ate their meal together.

Couples sometimes split off to eat alone, making the most of the somewhat limited time in which there was almost a guarantee that they wouldn’t be interrupted by a younger Pack-mate.

Callisto and Nanuq had vanished earlier, along with Bastet and Perry, who were more than likely discussing more serious matters together.

No one was entirely sure where Chipotle and Lily Dale had gone, but they had disappeared with somewhat devious smiles on their faces – or Lily Dale’s at the least – with Kal, Brushytail and Yo-Yo. Presumably, they were eating, but with them it was hard to know.

Sitting in a group, though not excluding anyone who wished to join them, Mishka and Beowulf, Circuit and Roja, Nuala and Benji, and Kami were eating, chatting amicably. The conversation had long since left the realm of sanity, but barely anything said within the walls of the Sanctuary could be considered sane.

The good times in Sanctuary, logically, should have been few and far between, being a haven for the ‘dirty, monstrous, dangerous’ Theri. But the Pack tended to shirk general logic in favour of their own.

Theri were a branch of humans capable of becoming an animal. As a general rule, Theri were feared, hated, pitied and above all, ostracized. In some cases, the fear was earned, but in the case of the Pack, Theri who fought the animal in them, who fought the baser, feral instincts, it was not.

The Pack were not savages, not as the Feral Theri who roamed beyond the Wall – and it was easy to see the difference.

Mishka, who was curled up beside Beowulf with an empty plate on her lap, glanced around the room before standing and stretching, plate and cutlery in hand. This drew the attention of the bantering others, including Kami, who stood also.

Beowulf gave Mishka a questioning look as she pushed a strand of light brown hair out of her eyes.

“Where are you going?” he asked.
“Bathroom,” Mishka and Kami replied simultaneously, the latter heading into the kitchen to place her plate by the sink.
At this Circuit’s smile became sly. “Any reason you’re going… together?” he questioned, then turned to Beowulf. “Better be careful there, Beowulf, Kami’s gonna steal your girl.”

There was laughter as Roja thwacked the owl-theri, hiding her own slight smile.

Mishka rolled her eyes at Circuit, while Kami, who had returned from the kitchen by that point, grinned wolfishly at him. Swaggering exaggeratedly over to Mishka, she slung an arm around the girl’s waist, smirking lightly at Circuit.

Mishka made a short squeaking noise and ducked out of Kami’s grip, gaining a pout from the darker-haired girl. She grinned and headed off in the general direction of the bathroom, hoping that no one noticed that there was a bathroom closer to the room they were currently residing in.

As they rounded the corner, Mishka threw a glance over her shoulder, making sure they weren't being watched or followed. That wouldn't be beneficial to anyone. Sighing, she exchanged glances with Kami.

"Don't do that again, Kami," Mishka murmured.
Kami looked away, her eyes shadowed. "If I stopped doing it, things would be more suspicious, not less."

They walked close to one another, not suspicious at all, considering the rather narrow hallway they were taking, hands brushing just slightly.

Kami's fingers looped loosely between Mishka's thumb and forefinger, running lightly over the palm before Mishka pulled her hand away, putting a little more distance between them.

"Kami... don't."

Kami's form tensed a little, and she walked just slightly faster. Mishka could tell she was hurt by this, however small, rejection.

Sighing, Mishka glanced around, and was glad that most of the Pack was still eating, or was lazing around in the post-food contentment. Taking two quick steps, she came level with Kami, and laced her fingers firmly with the other girl's.

Kami was the one to push open the bathroom door, her fingers splayed loosely against the wood, and her other hand still linked affectionately with Mishka's.

Mishka was the one to fumble with the lock as the door swung shut behind them, the one whose fingers trembled slightly while Kami's lips pressed against her cheekbone. Her temple. Her cheek. Her jaw.

Gentle kisses against the underside of her jaw. Loving. Careful.

Kami's soft breathing rushed over her neck as the other girl paused, waiting for any sign of rejection, but none came. She smiled against the soft skin under her lips, nuzzling lightly before drawing back.

Mishka was certain her heart hadn't beat quite this fast for anyone else, the thrum of it in her ears as Kami worshiped her skin, the ache when she was not, all of it stronger than she'd felt with anyone.

Mishka found herself basking in Kami's adoration, allowing the kisses, craving them, but doing nothing in return. She was pressed lightly against the wall, though not pinned, and she knew there was a flush in her cheeks.

And then Kami stopped.

Mishka, who hadn't realised her eyes were closed until she opened them, whimpered slightly.

Kami was looking at her intensely, an unreadable look in her eyes.

"Love you," the other whispered in a tiny voice.

Mishka felt a stab of guilt, but was unable to voice it. Kami's lips were on hers. Light at first.

Kami's fingers through her hair, cupping her face. The soft whisper of breath across her cheek. Her lips moving with the other's, her hands on Kami's shoulders, tugging her closer. The pressure on her lips, the hammering of her heart. The taste as Kami's tongue brushed over hers, the shivering, the desperation, the adoration.

All of it so vivid, imprinted in her memory.

Guilt. She was with Beowulf, Beowulf, who loved her. Whom she loved. Didn’t she? If she loved him, why was she here, with Kami, feeling emotions so much stronger?

Kami's words, so vulnerable. Pleading. Affectionate. Loving.

...Love?

Was it?

Panting. Kami curled against her, her forehead against the juncture of her shoulder and neck. Kami, who practically radiated adoration.

"I-," Mishka started.

Kami kissed her again, drawing away a few moments later, an almost fearful look in her eyes.

"Don't..." Kami ordered.

Mishka shook her head, cupping Kami's face and looking into her eyes as she spoke, forcing the other girl to listen, to hear. She wanted to say this, she needed to say this.

"I..."

All of it, so vivid, was gone in a heartbeat.

~And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful, and it kills him inside, to know that I am happy, with some other guy, I can see him dyin'~

Kami forced back a whimper as she curled into a ball, her knees drawn to her chest, her heart hammering, her lips still feeling another’s that had never been there.

Dreams. Always dreams. Dreams that ended before Mishka’s words – before the words that Kami so desperately wanted, needed to hear from her – were spoken.

“I love you.”

It was when those words were on the tip of Mishka’s tongue – just moments from reaching Kami’s ears – that she could no longer fool herself. That she could no longer lose herself in the dream, pretend it was a reality, believe it was a reality.

Because Mishka loved Beowulf, not Kami, she would always love Beowulf, not Kami.

And Kami was just too foolish to accept that.

I don't wanna do this anymore,
I don't wanna be the reason why,
Everytime I walk out the door,
I see him die a little more inside,
I don't wanna hurt him anymore,
I don't wanna take away his life,
I don't wanna be...
A murderer.